In relationships, particularly interpersonal ones, there are potential distractions, misdirections, misunderstandings, and differing ideas and goals. Even the littlest misunderstanding can take a happy activity and turn it into mush.
In our multiple award-winning book “Revolutionary Conversations, The Tools You Need for the Success You Want”, we outline a simple and powerful process for effective, engaging conversations. However, not every connection or interaction is a conversation: utterances, ideas thrown out to see what flies, chatting away about what you are thinking and many more. This is especially true for couples where, in many cases, we have short-hand ways, personal language for US—but there is a limit: we can’t read each other’s minds. Though often effective, these habits may lead to unnecessary, even painful commotions that can go nowhere or can decimate the precious landscape. Does this ever happen to you and yours??
This commotion often leads to “That’s not what I meant!” and that can be very sticky with struggling to be heard. It can happen to any of us. Even though the love of my life and I have been together for many years and I have been teaching communications/conversations for decades, we can fall into this snare like anyone else.
Several years ago, we came up with this idea that, when the other wants to do something, change the pattern of the day or go home and put up our feet, instead of reacting, we “Just Say Yes™” or “I’m Going to Just Say Yes” to clarify it is a working Yes as opposed to a deferential Yes or a clear No. Basically, we are trying to minimize the dangers of a casual, off-the-cuff, definitive “NO” that can stop everything and create chaos along the way.
A good example is recently when we were with friends at dinner. My partner asked if I wanted to share one of our favorite dinner entrees in a new restaurant. We both have loved this dish at another restaurant. My reaction was NO—I was just hungry. In fact, I might have had a 2nd order since I enjoyed it so much. It was not a terrible experience and the world was not going to come to an end but she presented an opportunity to have a more engaged, loving, collaborative conversation. Who knows what would have happened! The next morning, she shared her curiosity about why I didn’t embrace her request, as she had other ideas about what we might do. That turned into a great conversation about other topics and that we both do this (say NO without thinking), plus it was a strong reminder that things might have been more satisfying if I had just said yes to her. (She didn’t enjoy this version of the dish. Had I said yes and we had shared the entree, she would have had 1 bite and let me enjoy the rest of it.)
It also motivated me to write this article, which I have pondered for several years. Finally, I have decided that this technique needs to be part of our Revolutionary Conversations® Workshops.
- “I’m Just Going to Say Yes” is a way to create an opportunity to dialogue about possibilities and have a conversation to help each other make possibilities a reality. In our Revolutionary Conversations® Workshops, this technique would be considered a “STOP/HELP” approach. We have slowed down the process to allow for new information, clarification of feelings, impressions, other ideas to come forward and be part of a new or expanded opportunity.
- “Just Say Yes™” is for the more personal relationships—It is not universal. This means the loves of our lives, our best friends, our family where interpersonal engagement reigns. It could also be characterized by another more traditional approach: “That Might Be Fun (lovely, exciting, interesting, etc.) Can I Know More?” It is up to US to create our realities.
It’s our goal to increase the power of our conversational capabilities and for us all to be more effective, loving, appreciative, and grateful for those around us. One of the things we would like to see in relationships is to reduce using “NO” in our more personal lives and use STOP so that other “good” things can come in.
“Just Say Yes™” is not for the outside world. You wouldn’t want to be saying YES to everyone—totally impracticable and even might be dangerous. It is for those who hold warm spots in our lives—the precious moments of relationships that we want to nurture and grow.
Let’s help those around us to interact together in a way that allows all expression to have a chance to see the light of day.
How about trying this technique?
ABOUT MARK H. FOWLER
Mark H. Fowler, President of Stowe Management Corporation and Founder/Co-CEO of Revolutionary Conversations, LLC, is a business growth and re-engineering expert, author and writer, business educator, public speaker and change leader. Mr. Fowler specializes in transitioning businesses from challenge to achievement to attain new levels of success: focused on enhancing revenues and profits, while instituting cultural and interactive processes that substantially increase collaboration and engagement. As a member of AICPA and California CPA Society, he has served in several leadership roles. He is a Co-Founder of the Rotary E-Club of World Peace.
A leader in the “business engagement” field for decades, he has developed systems and communication protocols, stressing the importance of team empowerment and personal development. With his emphasis on engagement, he created and designed a conversation system called the S.H.A.R.E.™ Tools, which are the basis of his award-winning book Revolutionary Conversations: The Tools You Need for the Success You Want. The S.H.A.R.E.™ Tools are an essential ingredient for success in working with all forms of challenges and impediments, while always focusing on the value and well-being of all. Helping business owners/executives/leaders/managers and team members in a transformational way to be on the same page to move forward together, he has aided their success with incredible achievements that were unattainable in their former reality.
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